I hope you die painlessly -- with laugh lines and wrinkles around your eyes

by Flower Politics

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about

Thank you so much to all who contributed towards my mother's valentines day gift. I love you all <3


I'd like to offer special thanks and good vibes for people who leave their mark on the world, and have made marks on my life, anyone who has ever written a self help book, or heck anything at all, heightened states of awareness, Eef Barzelay for that one really insightful and introspective acoustic song you wrote just that one time, The World is a Beautiful Place and I am No Longer Afraid to Die for inspiration on the closing song's title, Dan Hickey for calling me a spacegirl, "the wishes are growing in the fields" - Joey Anderson, Jorge Velez (Personality Disorders) for writing lyrical gold and inspiring me to keep on keeping up, Humans of New York for the story on "fucking up yur spine for fun," John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892) for the line, "crowding years in one brief moon," "with love, and yes optimism" - the someone who wrote this to their "wise and witty cousin" on the inside of a self help book I bought I goodwill, e Dragonsong for positive affirmations that I sometimes directly quoted in the closing song,Miranda July for the book, "No one belongs here more than you.," - It made me feel less alone, Callum Browne (Little League Records) for your friendly warm always reassuring support all the way from Ireland throughout most of the making of this, Abby Kane (I fucking love you and you are so strong) Buddha (u rock), my cat for not *always* avoiding me, my mother for her immense emotional support, my therapist, my best friends, my other friends, my close family, my skin for housing my organs, and the wind for blowing on my face and telling me everything will be ok.
Thank you to anyone who has ever told me it will be ok.
And thank you to anyone who has love in their heart. You are making th world a better place.
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Tapes Available at Driftwood Records
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Tapes Coming Soon at Little League Records

credits

released June 17, 2014

Angela-Grace Foster (Kill the Intellectuals)

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Flower Politics Houston, Texas

lofi feelings

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Track Name: the real life church of christ
the thought of doing everything so consciously hurts my brain
I dream of ki- (killing you) and killing my pain too
God wrote a love song on your palms but you still weep
you don't have to apologize for your abandonment issues
What a joy to not be able to see anything clearly
It is a reminder that whatever happens, i am not in control
you are not in control
do you believe in God?
Oh what a joy, to not be in control
(the only home I'll never have is an airport
not all sunsets are created equal)
This is my life with and without you,
hiding in basements,
hiding between the walls of interaction and being a complete hermit (I still feel lonely even though I have someone)
I try to interact interact socially (will I be ok? you are going to be ok.)
This is my life indoors and outside (dustmites eat tiny pieces of us and one day we are less whole but we never noticed and the dustmites are happy)
I lie in bed and cry ( as a child I picked flowers from the cemetery and gave them to my mother for mother's day)
you probably think I'm really weird
and I do not object, I do not object (in between disasters you will breathe and you will be free because disasters are ok)
(sdgndskgndslkgd and you're always asleep when I pick up the phone, I don't want to be afraid in my own home sgjdshgksjsgsg)
(sdfgbsjgfs I can't know how you felt when you listened to this song but I try to understand)
the crackling on the record reminded me of the fire I had in my heart and the candles I blew out while I was still alive,
now I'm just a Jesus and Mary candle crying to the JAMC,
and I'm not good with religion but I sacrificed myself a long time ago,
and I hope you die painlessly with laugh lines and wrinkles around your eyes
you don't deserve to die.
Track Name: friendship cemetery
head over to friendship cemetery,
picking flowers for your special someone,
pain has just begun,
you want me dead
like every other murderer in this world,
you want me dead
like every other murderer in this world,
you want me dead,
the wishes are growing in the field,
but we cut them down like our legs,
cry for the amputees,
this is my reality (not yours),
but the real beauty and evanescence in this society isn't fleeting *sarcasm*
you want me dead like every other murderer in this world
Just think of all the people who feel lost and lonely and terrified of mankind ad the universe that encompasses us,
now think of them taking shits,
(suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer)
the human condition,
suffer,
ignorance is bliss,
(suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer for nothing)
wishes grow in friendship cemetery
*hopeful shift*
[make your bed and go outside, breathe in the light, this is yours]
Track Name: stop taking downers (I'm Diphenhydramine)
stop taking downers,
stop crawling back to me,
improve your self esteem,
the drugs don't love you,
stop taking my advice,
I am poisonous, and weak,
stop crawling back to me,
I'm Diphenhydramine,
stop being scared,
I'm right here,
stop being scared,
I'm right here,
stop being scared of the bugs on the walls- they're not really there,
stop driving at night when you're fucking high,
or should I say low,
stop taking downers,
you'll gain no upper points,
and there's a street at the end of the road in your mind,
and it will take you where you want to go just in a matter of time,
you have to be patient, stop poisoning yourself,
you'll be fine,
stop taking downers,
stop trying to kill yourself,
I found you in the bathroom,
I didn't leave those on the shelf for you,
stop stealing downers,
improve your self esteem,
stop crawling back to me,
I'm Diphenhydramine,
I make you a constant downer,
I ruined everything you saw beautiful,
I ruin your liver
Track Name: about being empty:
most of that mixtape was about our ending because I felt that from the beginning and whoever made those two words rhyme is a sick motherfucking whore and deserves to die, I know the only book I should be invested in is the one you told me to write, I just don't know how I feel inside and I end up trying to look alive, so I can leave you and the fire you built in my chest, burning already charred organ to no rest, because I'd rather be alone in a big empty house than with you in a tiny crowded room in a world filled with endless wrong cues, because there is no moving forward from a cul-de-sac and you can't lie through your teeth for a soul you'll never keep, I just want to be new, I'm not always a good person, I'm sever hearted and severely filled with hatred, and shitty poems, collecting trash doesn't make me unhuman but I admit it makes me weird, I'm vulnerable and I'm made of cement and I'll kill you with my bare hands, I'll cry over your remains and light you on fire and never say your name, Love is open heart surgery and pain is healing and healing is stitches and I'll always tear them open, I'm tired of even feeling hatred, I just want to be a puddle of lukewarm water on some fucking sidewalk on Mars, I wouldn't wish it on my best friend, I wouldn't wish it on my best friend.
you told me I wasn't empty.
I don't want to write about being empty.
Track Name: heavy metal heart
-what should I write?
-write about your feelings
I wear my socks at my ankles
and breathe in cold air
and I'm still alive and I'm still breathing, if you care
and I won't let you in if you're not fit for the silver screen or at least a Sundance film on repeat
my heavy heart, the heavy metal heart won't let you in unless you're a Sundance film on repeat, at least fit for the silver screen,
get your act together
and I believed in love,
I believed in romance
and now I'm just a heavy metal heart,
a heavy metal heart,
and I believed in love, I believed in romance,
I wear my socks at my ankles and breathe in cold air,
I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, if you fucking cared,
and I won't let you in unless you're fit for silver screen or at least a Sundance film on repeat
and I won't let you in unless you're really really fucking scared of life,
scared of everything,
including me, you better be fucking scared of me and anything you could be fucking scared of
-what did you write about?
-I feel nothing!
Track Name: car collisions
they sky's not bright
it's LED street lights
once a week I sit in this tiny miskept room and talk about my problems for an hour or so
but every other moment, they're relative.
the minute you stop naming, is the moment you're free
but I still say aloud when my heart is racing
-my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, my head feels dizzy, I think I'm dying-
make one move and the whole thing's fucked
I'm so tiny compared to space around and I dissolve into the scenery
I had a dream that you hurt me, but you can't be held responsible,
or even held for that matter,
In a way after all that has happened I'm surprised I see comfort and familiarity and seek the constant of this room
I never understood long division, cell division or car collisions
Track Name: technological dream
do you get my disco reference?
living in a techno dream
living in a techno city
those kids are spending lots of cash
living in their techno basements
(asfjadgnadshsfffsngdnjsgsdnd??????)
you are not so cultured now
you are not so kosher now
you are not so cultured now
Track Name: I want to write about the people who keep leaving but I think they're right.
sometimes when I'm lying in bed
my heartbeat shakes my whole body
and it scares me because I'm alive,
I have no God,
he has forsaken me,
you have a God,
you're so happy,
he loves you,
he is your friend,
I'm starting to think
there's no such thing as love,
I never want to let myself open up ever again
but I know
that I will
I will fold into millionths
an accumulate these creases
in my edges like fucking
paper air
and keeping keep ripping
I want to
rip my stretchmarks open and bleed
Track Name: dextr0methorphan phenylephrine
I am terrified that I have a vortex of sadness within me that you cannot reach
I want to pull out my large intestine and my heart's interior and cut them with scissors so I can be free, and finally be free from this illness that I hide in the depths and shadow and being
it is not ambiguous.
I wish it were ambiguous
these chills and this nausea and this fever sweat,
I don't know how to be important,
and this I am realizing for the first time in my life
Track Name: crowding years in one brief moon
life is so strange when you're living on the bay
and everywhere you go and everywhere you turn
there's someone you ought to meet, someone you ought to be
I can't keep turning in half circles just to find myself back where I started
I can't keep moving in molasses, going in opposite directions
I, I can't keep taking the hard way when I can't even remember my own name
and it's not organic
It's not natural to feel like you're dying
I, I, I tried, I tried, and I failed, I, I am moving about the world,
please be patient with me
Track Name: open letter to myself (from bed)
I am waking up to face reality but I never want to face anything ever again
and it's painfully beautiful that I am alive
that I can feel- you're movement away
like push pins in my feet
you've forced my eyes open and made me see,
all of the beauty that is you in front of me
and then it's apparent that you are lost and you are free
and you won't stay with me in this ephemerality
it's cinematic gold,
you'll never get old
you said, "we have something timeless"
I don't want to time it
Track Name: I AM SPACEGIRL SAILOR MOON PRINCESS AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE
I am a girl and I am from outerspace
my blood curdles with all the secrets of the universe
I am a handful of dust from the stars
I'm a space girl sailor moon princess and I am not afraid of moving cars
I get so happy sometimes so high- in the sky
I don't really pay attention to where I'm wandering
I've gotten myself into a fucking a lot
but I've also gotten myself out
I am from outerspace and I have worth
you're a piece of sky, you should know, we all fucking love you
and you are the earth we walk on too
I'm walking on the corpses of other beautiful people
I am inherently sacred
I am valuable and valued
I am lovable and loved
I am appreciate my sensitivity
and I am happy
I have the right to be who I am
I have worth just by being here
I am here on purpose
i am not
I was an accident
but the stars wanted me to comfort them
but I really just them to comfort myself
it's all a delusion, delusion, delusion, delusion,
I've been listening to this song that says, "together we'll know true freedom from all earthly constraints" and it's a fucking good song by Eef Barzelay; I promise I'm not trying to rip you off
I just really fucking like your music
and it makes me feel like I am maybe not alone
when I am myself I am free
I have all the energy of the universe inside of me and I need to let it out, let it be free,
My life is blossoming in total perfection,
and I choose to serve by living my dreams regardless of my insecurities,
who knows if we die and go nowhere,
I don't care
I just wanna die- happy
and be the best I can be,
I want to live to my fullest,
the universe is unfolding perfectly, I always have everything I need,
I am safe, I am loved, I am going to be ok
(Kellogs Poptarts Jingle I made)
With love, and yes, optimism!